Little known fact: Baboons are socialists.
Little known fact: Baboons are socialists.
Little known fact: Prior to accepting the “Shit Standard,” baboons debated fiercely back and forth. Many argued that poop could not be a buttress for the income of society. After much mud slinging, the “IncomeforPoop” camp won the debate over the “NoIncomeforPoop” camp and the law was enacted. Centuries later, as the wisdom of the “Shit Standard” in baboon society was proven over and over, the term for the losing camp evolved into the shared baboon and human word “Nincompoop.”
Little known fact: “Morning Wood” is extremely more severe amongst baboons than amongst people. Scientists believe that these unconscious boners increased in frequency and potency over time because it’s the only time the females can get some baboon dick in their vaginas.
Little known fact: One day, a mentally-challenged baboon draped himself from head to toe in a merkin, got drunk, stole some guy’s hat from the rack on the way out of the bar, and then stumbled onto the set of a Hollywood studio. He was cast as Cousin Itt from “The Addams Family.”
Little known fact: a bag of flaming baboon poo can reach fusion temperatures.
Little known fact: Baboons get reputations as party animals, but really, anything more than five people in an orgy is just a nightmare.
Little known fact: Usually referred to as a “green thumb,” baboons have challenged the conventional nomenclature and lobbied for “brown thumb” because they have shown that a constant coat of fecal material on fingers and hands has made each baboon who has ever tried to grow any plant a Master Gardener.
Little known fact: for the past 25 years, Daniel Day Lewis has won in the best makeup category at the Baboon Academy Awards for his portrayal of a human. The runner-up this year was Anne Hathaway.
Little known fact: During Baboon March Madness, 68 of the strongest, healthiest alphas are fed Viagra and then given prostitutes. Contestants are eliminated when their dicks get soft. The winning baboon gets a free lifetime supply of prostate screenings and a 3 ad endorsement deal with Metamucil.
Little known fact: Baboon Bamboozle: Fill up a bong with urine and take a rip of opium (the urine is really important so DONT SKIP STEPS); exhale the rip into the tits of an Irish prostitute; take a double shot of absinthe; begin spanking the whore on her ass; continue spanking whore on ass and drinking absinthe until her ass is so red that your fucked up brain can’t figure out which side is the front; then, finally, guess!
