Facts about Baboons

(Disclaimer: The baboon sometimes lies)

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Little known fact: In response to the first mandrill elected president of the richest baboon pack in the world, opponents have formed a vehement Pee Party that has really smeared all the shit slinging in the Congress.

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Little known fact: The baboon uterus becomes so full of farts as the offspring matures that the birthing process involves holding the mother upside down until the baby baboon eventually floats out like a balloon.

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Little known fact: Baboons often use the penises of their dead relatives as straws.

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Little known fact: US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a magical turd sculpture built by baboons in the eighteenth century as a totem for their ignorant and superstitious culture. The long worshiped statue came to life when the baboons draped it in a curtain because the smell had become far too nauseating.

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Little known fact: Baboons are the world’s foremost experts and aficionados of merkins. Selling just as well as the wigs themselves are subscriptions to merkin magazines. Last year’s top flyers off the racks included:

  1. U. S. Pubes and Curled Report;
  2. Modern Amerkin;
  3. Happy Trails Newsletter;
  4. Better Loams and Gardens;
  5. GPube;
  6. Genital Alopecia Quarterly;
  7. Faux Fro Fo Sho;
  8. Conde Nasty;
  9. Ladies Home Journal of Big Fake Pussy Hair; and
  10. Cosmopolitan Cunts.

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Little known fact: baboons have a third arm hidden beneath their fur which is used solely for masturbation.

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Little known fact: In baboonese, the word “buttplug” actually has a few different meanings.  Of course it refers to the sex toy, but they also use the term to define the gelled, thick layer of ejaculate that cakes up at the end of their buttholes between poops.

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Little known fact: In Baboon health and wellness, getting HPV from a sexual encounter is viewed as a badge of honor and esteem.  To them, the acronym stands for: Hernia, Proctitis, and Venereal Disease.  To achieve all in one session is quite an achievement, albeit not exactly rare.

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Little known fact: For diaper rash, baboons treat the affected area with water, more poop, and multiple layers of cloth, making sure the butt cheeks don’t dry out.  After about a month, the baby baboon butt is big, red and culturally acceptable.

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Little known fact: Baboons have their own universally accepted, most spectacular painted portrait, similar to the way humans revere the “Mona Lisa.” The Baboons’ Mona Lisa is a full nude of Nell Carter hoisting a bench press bar with dumbbells to her head, smiling seductively.  Strangely, she has a huge areola around her left nipple, but barely any areola around her right nipple.