Facts about Baboons

(Disclaimer: The baboon sometimes lies)

0 notes

Little known fact: Baboon pajamas have feet booties and penis coozies…and large butt flaps.

0 notes

Little known fact: The phrase “like a barrel of monkeys,” is actually a devolved version of the original, “like a troop of baboons tied in a knot after the bathhouse.”

0 notes

Little known fact: In response to the first mandrill elected president of the richest baboon pack in the world, opponents have formed a vehement Pee Party that has really smeared all the shit slinging in the Congress.

0 notes

Little known fact: The baboon uterus becomes so full of farts as the offspring matures that the birthing process involves holding the mother upside down until the baby baboon eventually floats out like a balloon.

0 notes

Little known fact: Baboons often use the penises of their dead relatives as straws.

0 notes

Little known fact: US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a magical turd sculpture built by baboons in the eighteenth century as a totem for their ignorant and superstitious culture. The long worshiped statue came to life when the baboons draped it in a curtain because the smell had become far too nauseating.

0 notes

Little known fact: Baboons are the world’s foremost experts and aficionados of merkins. Selling just as well as the wigs themselves are subscriptions to merkin magazines. Last year’s top flyers off the racks included:

  1. U. S. Pubes and Curled Report;
  2. Modern Amerkin;
  3. Happy Trails Newsletter;
  4. Better Loams and Gardens;
  5. GPube;
  6. Genital Alopecia Quarterly;
  7. Faux Fro Fo Sho;
  8. Conde Nasty;
  9. Ladies Home Journal of Big Fake Pussy Hair; and
  10. Cosmopolitan Cunts.

0 notes

Little known fact: baboons have a third arm hidden beneath their fur which is used solely for masturbation.

0 notes

Little known fact: In baboonese, the word “buttplug” actually has a few different meanings.  Of course it refers to the sex toy, but they also use the term to define the gelled, thick layer of ejaculate that cakes up at the end of their buttholes between poops.

0 notes

Little known fact: In Baboon health and wellness, getting HPV from a sexual encounter is viewed as a badge of honor and esteem.  To them, the acronym stands for: Hernia, Proctitis, and Venereal Disease.  To achieve all in one session is quite an achievement, albeit not exactly rare.